Day 1 – After travelling this journey for 35 years I now ponder on what it was all about and how today can and is this journey going to be different. Start with being honest. It does not matter what process you choose to support you on this journey, I have tried most but truthfully I have never been willing to look at the emotional story underneath the journey.
Today is the day I am going to start the investigation with no real expectations other than to clear this at the deepest level so I am free to BE ME with ease and grace.
I wanted to look a certain way to BE seen as pretty, enough, in the group, acceptable, blah blah I thought to BE these things I needed look and dress a certain way. Yes I watched the movies and magazine story’s that sold the overall image. I allowed my internal chatter to compare myself to someone else and found myself coming up short.
Later this whole story was the one that sent me close to financial ruin.
I was unable to look at what I had when I had it, I did not recognise the ease that I was able to move around. I did not see my own abundance to be able to buy the food I was consuming. I could not see my skills as a nurse and the ability I had to make a difference to families. I did not recognise that it was MY body that was supporting all these components of my life.
33 years ago I went to Jenny Craig where they told me I needed to be 52 kg and I remember getting to 53 kg and feeling and looking AMAZING if I do say so myself only for the coach to say well you did not reach your goal. I had mentioned I was HAPPY and could I start maintenance and for her I should have kept going another week or two. (She had a story that said success meant reaching your goal anything else was not good enough)
Was she right or wrong? Neither! She was showing me a couple of things about myself. I always wanted approval or acceptance from others. She did not give it to me so I thought I was the failure.
What would have happened if I listened to my own internal guidance that said I looked amazing? How differently could I have responded? I could have said “I hear what you are say (Acknowledge the other persons opinion yet) for me NOW I am happy and proud of how I look, (Stand up for yourself) can you help me to learn to maintain this present body weight?” (Have them feel important and valuable)
Instead I went into the poor woe me story (Victim role that I have played well all my life) and allowed the coach to steal my pride in what I had achieved. ( I gave my power to her at that time unconsciously) I never did the maintenance properly because I was too busy giving myself a hard time for not reaching the goal.
I was to yo yo for the next 30 yrs. After kids I would be happy being 62 kgs. I am now 74.6 kg (MY heaviest ever but just a number showing where I am at today, not defining the future) just deciding to experience the next phase of my life in a healthy vibrant body of a 64kg women and REALLY excited about the decision. I now look back at the fact “ it did not matter what I weighed at different times” I was never happy and proud of my body image.
I really did not know what happiness was or required of me to BE for happiness to BE a reality in my life. I was still being delusional about the expectations that had been marketed to me.
The difference is I NOW love my body 74.6 kg of it. (Yes I have to take a deep breath and let go of any internal judgement that arises now and again. It is OK normal, breath and let go, congratulate yourself for acknowledging your feelings)
I am able to play this game called life through this body (MY TEMPLE) Can I choose to eat differently YES. Is it to please another or so someone will acknowledge me NO.
I choose to be happy vibrant, appreciative every day and experience all that life shows for me to release any old or undercurrent feeling around self-worth.
I am learning to BE the driver of my mind and have the greater part of myself playing in the game of my life experiences. Mind body and soul as one awesome experience Over the coming weeks I am going to track this journey.
I have only just begun. Am I nervous YES but this is a journey of self-discovery and serenading to the process with the intent to release the old stories and patterns.
See You tomorrow.